


Alien Probe

by inahandbasket



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:47:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25759099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inahandbasket/pseuds/inahandbasket
Summary: This just popped into my head, and I had to write it out.  It was humorous to me, and I hope it is to you, too.Ianto wonders what Jack knows about alien abductions and anal probes.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Kudos: 22





	Alien Probe

Jack sees Ianto working diligently at his computer station. He's bored and can't concentrate on his own work anymore, so decides to take a break over with Ianto. He virtually bounces down the steps and past Tosh at her station to go bother him.

Jack puts his hands on Ianto's shoulders and leans down to kiss the top of his head. “Hello, sir,” Ianto says, still staring at the screen. He's reading some sort of report, and Jack can see a paused video minimized in the bottom corner of the screen that is a single person talking to the camera.

“What are you working on?” Jack asks. He hasn't given Ianto a specific assignment in a while. Mostly because he doesn't need to; Ianto always knows what needs doing and does it before Jack even realizes.

“First hand accounts of alien abductions,” Ianto replies, still scrolling and not paying attention to Jack. Jack would rather have the attention on him.

“What, like flying saucers and anal probes?” Jack asks incredulously.

Finally, Ianto turns and looks at him, but it's with a serious expression. “Our job is to deal with aliens who visit our planet, so why would these accounts be unbelievable?”

“Because those stories don't resemble reality at all!” Jack exclaims. “No alien species actually does any of that. And trust me, they don't care about cows or crops either.”

Ianto studies Jack with an unreadable expression. Jack looks offended with his arms crossed and his forehead creased. “You know something about this, don't you,” Ianto says.

“What?” Jack says, completely unbelievably. “This is all fake!”

“Jack,” Ianto says in a warning tone. “Tell me.”

“I thought you knew everything,” Jack says with a challenge in his eye, not backing down.

“Jack,” Ianto sighs, “this isn't you taking people for a shag, is it? Maybe in another timeline when you were in the time agency?”

“This is ridiculous,” Jack says, rolling his eyes.

“Jack, you brought the Retcon formula with you when you came to earth, and it wasn't very good back then. Have you ever used your vortex manipulator to pick up people and shag them in your space ship and then give them bad Retcon before returning them to earth?” Ianto stares down Jack who just huffs and looks defiantly over Ianto's head.

“Jack!” Ianto exclaims with the tone of an angry teacher.

“It was just a suggestion to take the Retcon,” Jack says, still looking anywhere but at Ianto. Ianto doesn't say anything, but keeps looking sternly at Jack, waiting for him to continue. “Sometimes they couldn't handle what happened and I'd suggest they take a forgetting pill, that's all. They would fill in the stupid story for themselves from the dumb TV shows they watched.”

“Are all of these yours?” Ianto asks.

“No! It was something a lot of time agents did. It's easy to pick people up by taking them to your spaceship,” he mumbles at the end.

“This was only when you were a time agent?”

“Yes!” Again with a tone of indignation.

“Okay,” Ianto says, turning back to his computer and adding some notes to a separate document. “I'm going to want to go through some files with you at some point to close these up.”

Ianto doesn't say anything else for a minute, and Jack is surprised. “That's it? No outrage?”

Ianto looks up at Jack for a few seconds. Jack looks worried, like he's afraid Ianto will run away. Ianto turns back to his computer screen, but says, “No, no outrage. But I will insist on roleplaying 'alien with the anal probe' tonight.”

“Oh, okay,” says Jack. “I'll bring the appropriate props.”

“Good, make sure you come over by nine.”

“Got it,” Jack says, and then turns to go back to his office. That turned out better than he thought.


End file.
